Friday, July 15, 2005

*sigh* all i seem to do is the wrong thing v_v

i keep hurting peter cos somehow whenver i touch him i hurt his arm or hand or something...whenever i say something it always seems to be wrong

i havent eaten dinner and i feel like shit. i am hungry and sick, last night i got 1 hour sleep and i fainted and got a blood nose. i dont know whats going on with me. i want to sleep but i cant, i want to be happy, but i cant, i want to do the right thing, but i cant.

i just want my old friends not running away, its not like i havent given this place a chance, its that after 1 and a half years, ive had "friends" who arent there for me anymore, people who i do endlessly for and dont return the favor, and it just seems like its me...some people tell me its not me, others are just being shitty...but i cant help but think its me.

i guess its depression setting in...i have nobody to talk to, nobody to confide in, nobody who stands by me anymore. that all used to be peter but these days he has changed. he is a user like the rest of them, he has what he wants so if it doesnt suit him to do something, he wont. i do everything, whether i like it or not, and i dont complain. i try to find the good part of it and i do whatever. but its not like that with him. and these days it seems like if i didnt do something, he wouldnt really care. before, if i didnt want to do something, he would know something is wrong, he would try and fix it. now, its a mixture of him knowing, but doing jack shit about it, or me exploding and him still doing jack shit about it. friends arent like that. friends stick by each other, they dont look at their best friend and wonder why they have become such a bastard. they dont look at their friend and sometimes wish they had never met them. it always seems to be my fault, but i know its not. i just feel so used and walked-over...but if i try and tell him, oh no, then its my fault, he always has some shitty excuse for something, most of the time are just excuses. of course his retort to that is "oh fine whatever".

so, i guess the friendship is breaking down. i guess it wasnt all it was cracked up to be, and i guess i have to move on, and realise my mistakes, this being the 2nd time now in my life that i have put myself out, only to get hurt.

i dont want this anymore. i dont want to feel horrible inside and feel like im the one to blame, because i know im not.

im not saying im mr perfect, ive got to stop a few things too, but lately, i have just started not caring cos he just doesnt care. he reckons he does, but i dont think so. certainly doesnt show anyway.


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