i can't explain these happenings, but they all make mee feel very sad and they all in some way hurt my heart. tonight i came home from work and i felt just so strange. i had been feeling strange these past few days anyway, but tonight, i felt like, i dont know how to explain. you know how when you in highschool, and you think you really like this person, but your too shy to ask them out or something, but you really have strong feelings for them (even if they are shallow in reality)...well i felt that. not a sick, but a depression where i felt for some reason and presumably for some unknown person, a strong feeling of "love" or let's say affection...but i dont know why. i ended up vomiting cos it was so strong. i just dont know why.
these past few days have also been weird, i have felt that i needed to show my best friend more affection than usual, and i dont understand this either. i dont know whether i thought i was going to lose him or something was going to come between us or whether i have just been really happy with my life (u will understand that last bit if u really know me)...but whatever it is, i dont know what.
everything i seem to do is wrong somehow...im unhappy with myself, unhappy with my self image, but too slack to do anything about it, im unhappy with some of my life choices...and most of all im now really unhappy with the one thing that is supposed to mean everything to me, my best friend. not unhappy as in im angry, but i thought i knew him better, some of the things he says to me sometimes really make me sit back and think about whether i do actually know him, and whether or not i have made a mistake letting myself get into a relationship (for those immature people out there, a friendship is a type of relationship -_-) that perhaps is too deep with someone who is perhaps too shallow.
i guess time will tell if i have made a mistake, and right now, im thinking that perhaps i have. but whats new...every other relationship i have been in has in some way been a mistake and in some way hurt me. i guess i must just attract these types of people *sigh*
im not sitting here trying to get you to convert, im not a preacher. im saying consider the ramifications of your next vehicle purchase and what the vehicle is actually going to be used for. is it to commute to work and back, or is it for long interstate trips? will your car be idling for a lot of the time, or moving out on the open road?...if its the former in both cases, then definately, you should look into hybrid technology if you can afford it. if you cant, then thats fine, nobody is going to hate you, but try and weight up perhaps what extra money a hybrid vehicle costs, against how much a car will cost you up until you can afford to pay the extra for a hybrid. if the cost of the car you own now exceeds the extra cost of a hybrid in the time it takes to save up for the hybrid, then dont get it, but there arent just those factors to consider. a vehicle purchase is a very personal thing, and there are many more things like taste and vehicle usage, size and other needs which dictate your final choice.
all im saying is that the technology is there, and i think its really great consumers now have a choice to use a more efficient product over one that uses fossil fuels. i think its going to overall benefit the world on a scale many people will be unable to fathomin the future, because by then, it will be widespread technology. just remember you arent the only people on this planet (no im not getting all tree-huggy) and future generations, as soon as your kids even (im talking to those who are my age hehe) need to have a clean environment to grow up in. eventually, if nothing is done about our current ways, like Los Angeles is covered in smog for the majority of the year, our world may soon (probly in the next 10 years) be consumed by that waste and pollution, engulfing the entire planet in it.
just consider it...thats all. you dont have to do anything, and like i said, nobody will hate you. but just consider the future...your not the only ones.
anyway, i was wondering what transcended all of those problems. what was the one thing, that perhaps didnt as such give advice, but instead could speak to everything, without needing translation or comprehension. and to tell the truth, it is as people say...music does transcend every known language to man as the communication medium that can allow people of totally different cultures, totally different mindsets, totally different languages, to communicate.
i guess some of you already know that...but those of you who dont, perhaps allow yourself to be stirred by music which you dont normally open your ears to, and you might just find a message which you never heard before.
what is the definition we can give to these people, who we give higher precendence to over others?...are they special? yes. are they important? yes of course. but are they more important than others? some say yes. i say yes too. but what about when you see a person hurt on the road. is it not important to help them too?...are they not important?...i say yes to that. others tell me its a different kind of important. i disagree.
one really needs to consider whats important to them, and figure out whats going on in life to be able to really say whats important or not. a woman who needs help is just as important a thing as caring for your friends. isnt that right? a person in need is always going to be more important than someone who is not, no matter their relationship to you. no matter what...what you do about it is another issue.
just consider this hypothetical: you are going to the movies with one of your friends from school on sunday, but you made that arrangement two weeks ago. uve been stressed lately and things are slipping your mind. your gf/bf comes up to you a few days before and asks if you want to go to lunch with her/him. you have forgotten about your other friends thing cos uve been so busy and you tell your gf/bf that you will go with them. now, is it important to go with your gf/bf because they have a somewhat higher precendence over ur friend just because of their relationship with you, or is it more important to go with your friend because they are important to you as well, and you did make an arrangement with them prior to your gf/bf's one? if you choose your gf/bf, what is that saying to the rest of your friends? that they mean nothing? that they will always come second in the general scheme of things? or does it mean that sometimes you need to gauge as to who to spend your time with, because if you've been spending the last week everyday with your friend and not your gf/bf, then a bit of time with her/him isnt such a bad thing.
but hang on, you did make that arranagement with your friend two weeks ago. if you choose your friend, what does that say to your gf/bf? that they dont have some pseudo-precedence over others? that they arent important enough to see you when they wish, because you have this pseudo-love and pseudo-care for them? consider if you had been seeing your gf/bf everyday for the last week, your friend does deserve sometime with you, correct? but what if you had been spending your time for the past week with your friend, and going to the movies on sunday will make it the 7th day you have hung out with them and not seen your gf/bf. isnt that alright? if its been 7 days since you have seen your gf/bf, then what does that say about your relationship? but then again, if its been 7 days since you have seen your friend, you should really keep the sunday movies hang-out time, shouldnt you?
now aside from all that, consider these questions. why do people find the need to take their gfs/bfs with them to hang out with their friends? i dont think so. isnt a bit of time apart from them and with your friend instead alright? is it fair to take your gf/bf along with you to hang out with your friend, when your friend wanted to talk to you about some stuff and they need advice and didnt particularly want your gf/bf to know? and is it fair for you to take your gf/bf and say that its ok to talk about your friend's stuff in front of her, (thus implying you have no intention of sending ur gf/bf away while your friend talks to you, even though you shouldnt have to send ur gf/bf away because they shoudlnt be there in the first place) but when it comes to you and your gf/bf talking, you wont let your friend hear? i totally disagree. in this sense, your gf/bf is more important. but then again, this is the same type of person who would go out with their gf/bf on sunday when they had a prior engagement with their friend from two weeks ago.
now add in this factor: you have met this gf/bf of yours a couple of days before sunday, and they ask you out on sunday. do you ask your friend to cancel because of this new "love"? is that really fair? is this a example of the true importance of people? imagine also that you met this girl at a party you went to. you dont know her, you dont even know her middle name, but you want to cancel an engagement from two weeks ago with your friend who you havent seen for a while, to be with this other, theoretically lesser (relationship-wise) person. how can we say that this is real love, or real friendship when this occurs? how can we realistically say that we value our friendship with our friends, when we are prepared to cancel on their time with us on sunday?
now, the latter part of this analysis has been biased towards the idea you have cancelled on your friend. lets consider you havent, and you have instead told your new-found pseudo-love that you already have a movie outing with your friend. what does this tell to your gf/bf. that you arent going to treat them like they are somewhat more special than your other friends? if they think like this, then generally, they must be a bit shallow, right? but isnt it generally the common thought that your gf/bf would have some more importance to you than their other friends? but then again, just because the thought is widespread, does it mean its correct?
consider your with your friend or your gf/bf now, and you are driving along a suburban road, and you come across a woman and child who are in need. do you stop and help the woman and child, or keep driving or you will be late for the movie/lunch booking and thus the whole date will be ruined. morally, you should stop, yes? but that would take someone pretty selfless to stop and forego their fun engagement. too many people have the mindset that someone else will come along who isnt so busy, and help the woman and child. consider you are actually a nice person, and stop to help. that action in itself basically says that the woman and child are more important than your friend or gf/bf. now consider your relationship with this person. you have seen them 5 seconds ago when you saw their car on the side of the road with a flat tyre, and you met them 2 seconds later when you got out and started talking to them. a total stranger, and you have put them above everything else. what has this shown us so far? your friend is more important because you had the outing arrangement with them first, even tho ur gf/bf is "supposedly" more important, and this stranger is more important than your friend, someone you dont even know. consider the following model:
you gf/bf friend stranger
-----------------------------------------------------> importance level
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
1 is supposed to be the most important, 13 being the least. this is a life model, showing where people sit in relation to you and the level of importance. but this whole example has shown you to put your friend above your gf/bf, which is the right thing to do because you did have a prior arrangement, and in turn put a stranger above your gf/bf AND friend. whats with this? is something wrong with this model?...most of you will argue with me that this is a once off, or that you rememeber EVERYTHING and you would never get into this mess, or that you are a nice person who always stops and your gf/bf is always nice and doesnt think they are more important and all this other shit which are just excuses. you know, or rather, your probably too deluded to see it but when you break up with you gf/bf you will see it, that having a relational importance level associated with people isnt the right thing to do. im not saying to not have a gf/bf, or to not care more for them than you would anyone else. do what you like, im simply pointing out in a rather long and explained way, how you can be so wrong in saying that your gf/bf is the most important person to you, when you would stop for a woman and child in need (granted its not everyday, but you cannot deny the fact it IS more important) and that your gf/bf is more important to you and you would do anything for them, when you wont break off an arrangement with your friend to spend time with them. now that last part of the sentence is something i totally disagree with, but its there to make you see that what you say is really quite shallow when you tell your gf/bf you love them, yet you wont do the everything you say you will do for them.
it might be a petty thing to you, but consider this now. i have yet to meet someone who has met a girl or a guy, and had a genuine love for them. had a genuine yearning to do the RIGHT thing, not the right thing by them i mean the morally correct thing. i have a friend right now who takes his gf everywhere and is really quite a shallow person, but if you try telling him that, then he will switch into deluded mode and tell you her i mature and knows what the right thing is. i have another friend who doesnt have a gf, but he has a problem with stopping the car when he drives towards someone who is so evidently in need to help. its just because he follows the life model mentioned before and doesnt consider things mainly from an ethical level. and i have another friend, who doesnt find the importance of spending time with any of her friends, she calls them friends, but doesnt make the time to see them, or to do 'friend' things. its not a rule that you must do things with your friends just to call them friends, but it is a general thing that you cant call a friend a 'friend' really, if you never call them, if you never spend time with them, and when u are sposed to hang out with them, you bring your gf/bf along, or cancel on for your gf/bf instead.
why are these people my friends?...well, in hindsight, they shouldnt be. but i care about them because ino in their heart, they are a friend. they have just been affected by their girlfriends or boyfriends and somehow their friendship to me, has changed. it shouldnt change one bit, but it has for some unknown reason, and ino their relationships arent going to last, so ino it will go back to normal, whenever that will be. the second friend i mentioned, the one without a gf, well he is my friend because i just think he is a little immature and he will grow out of it.
i accept this post has been a bit bias towards thinking people are generally shallow and dont care, but i know my friends well, extremely well in most circumstances, and i can vouch for the fact that most of my friends are exactly as i have been biased towards in this post. its a fact of nature people tend to help their own first. but as ive shown, this can also be flipped, which is unexplainable. it SHOULD be that the woman and child comes first, but most wouldnt stop. it should be that a friend with a prior engagement gets to spend time with you, but ino those with gfs or bfs will put them first, above their friends. its a simple thing to consider, and a simple thing to accept. what is not simple, is the fact that so many people are so selfish, so inconsiderate and generally so shallow. bastardized has the world become, and so too has the people in it, bastardized in their way of thinking, taking a homogenous view to things. our news is filled horror and terror, and this is because people put importance in the wrong place. if only they could see it, everything would get better. im not saying people are getting murdered or countries are being bombed because they think their gf/bf is more important than their friend, im saying because people put importance on the wrong things.
anyway, this has been a somewhat interesting but tangential approach to an initial thought i had. im sorry if you disagree, but thats ok. everyone is allowed their own view.
there is this really disgusting thing at http://www.bonsaikitten.com/. what this company does is put live kittens into a bottle or jar from birth, so that they form into the shape of the container they are in, then they are removed. the kittens anus actually has a pipe shoved into it and then is actually super glued shut. this is really sickening and really not humane at all.
if there is some way to stop this, please do it.
i feel kinda down, cos i want to be with someone i cant be...but its not that i want to be with that person in that way...its just that i dont want anyone else. i want only them cos they make me laugh and cry and make me feel so happy and feel so sad. maybe for you the person u be with shouldnt make u cry or sad, but i guess i want someone who can make me feel everything i could ever feel. i feel so happy i shout from the mountain tops about this person cos they make me so happy, they make me so...undeniably happy and complete. i dont need anybody else, and i guess im fearing that somebody else would just never be able to make me as happy as this person does.
i guess i also feel kinda down cos im tired and i am weighed down with so many problems going on right now. just family stuff and other people's problems that i take on board to share with them so their burden is lighter...i feel bad complaining...but i wish i had someone i could just give myself up to. there are so many things that nobody really knows about me. so much i keep to myself cos im afraid of what people will think of the real me. i have to always keep reminding myself that nobody really want to know me. they are friends with me because they pity me and i guess, that because when they met me, there was something they saw which they wish they hadnt seen. i havent cried in such a long time an dright now it doesnt really feel like the right time to do it either. but i need to drain myself of this unhappiness.
about today...it was a good day. i woke up and realised it had been exactly 18 months since i had met peter...and u know, thats the first thing that came to my mind upon waking. i never thought i would be one to be sentimental or one to actually remember these things because nobody else seems to. *sigh*...i dont wanna talk about this anymore. i just wanted to say that i was surprised...but i guess i shouldnt be...he is my best friend after all.
have u ever felt like u've loved someone, or cared a lot about them...but u would never be able to ever show them how much u cared. u just want to hold them forever and never let them go, kiss them all over their face and tell them over and over how much u love them, but that would never in the end be able to suffice for showing them u care so much. i just feel that this person, and they will stay nameless for now, but i could never care about them enough and i want to show them that. i want to hug them non stop cos they make me so happy, i want to make them so happy that they always smile, because that in turn makes my heart shine. i want to do everything and anything i can to help them through their tough times, and their dilemmas, and i never want to see them shed a tear from unhappiness. if i could, i would want to pick them up and rock them like a baby in my arms, and watch them sleep when they look so innocent. i want to lay beside them and look over into their face and be sure of myself, that i am doing everything i can for them. i dont think i could ever do that tho, do enough for them i mean.
sometimes, i just dont know if what im doing is right, or if i should be doing something else. i am forever having to tell others what to do when they ask, but whenever i ask for advice, im hard pressed to find it. its always ambiguous, or not even on topic, and i cant seem to be able to find a way to calm myself. lately i have been so worked up, but my uni friends havent been seeing it because i hide it from them. sometimes i can be torn up so much inside because i cant figure out what to do, or whether i should even be doing whatever it is at that moment that i am doing. i have to find solice and deluding myself that im doing the right thing, that forever im going to be with my best friend and we are always going to be happy.
i dont know if what i expect of people is right, i donjt know if i should be expecting other things, or if im being a good friend. i have always tried to make my friends happy, tried to make them smile...but i guess lately, nobody has been smiling. i dont think im a very good friend, i guess thats why peter is acting the way he is, the way my other friends have lost the interest in caring about me anymore.
i have lost sleep because i havent been able to let myself stop thinking. all i do is think and recap and recap again what has happened in my day, what has affected me and what i should do about it. i have been sleeping at 3 and 4 am and waking around 7 or 8. work tires me even though its not much in general, it just eats away at me. so many things eat away at me, at my psychi, at my happiness, at my heart.
i wish, just for one night, i could get a good nights sleep, be able to curl up with this person i love most and sleep so soundly, the next day, my worries are gone with the passing night.
i think this is probabkly the best convergence device sony has come out with so far that appeals to all areas of the digital lifestyle regarding music, video and images and internet. still not simple way of inputting data, but that is yet to come. everyone should get a psp!!!
July 2004 August 2004 November 2004 December 2004 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007