Saturday, July 31, 2004

ive just had a long convo with pete and i really am feeling stupid. bah...stupid wilkie...i know he knows what the go is...i know he knows me and i know that he was also not in the best mood. alls good. anyone reading this who knows pete and me, take notes...because u wont find a better friendship. u want to see the best friendship thats going to last forever no matter what happens? look at ours. thats all i can say.

omg...what a f*cked up night i had. one of my friends got angry at me, i didn't get to hang out with pete cos once again he was working, i couldnt get back to my mums car to be picked up in time mostly because it was IMPOSSIBLE to...get a call from her telling me i can find my own way home if im not going to get back in time, and then get accused of being drunk when i DONT FREAKIN DRINK. *sigh* what a screwed up night. my own mother telling me she wont take me home. i call my best friend for help and he tells me to 'deal with it'. idno anymore...idno anything anymore. i dont wanna be here. what the hell does 'get over it' mean?...i thought he knew me better than that. u dont just f*ckin get over something like that. when ur stuck in a strange city, where ur not streetwise and u dont even know streetnames to be told by ur mother who has molleycoddled u and only let you out in the past few years but even then with controls and then to be told 'find your own way home'...then call ur best friend and he says 'deal with it'??????...i just started crying. i felt so..alone in the world. the person who i thought knew me so well, i start to doubt whether he does anymore. idno. i dont think i doubt him actually. i think he just doesnt know the situation fully thats all. *sigh*. i got so hysterical tonight. so...insane that i couldnt even get angry i just had to laugh. my perth friends dont know me that well to know im bordering on clinically insane when i start to laugh when im very angry. my darwin pals do. i called 2 am claire talked to me and was worried for me. thats what gets me. someone who is in another city and was sleeping, happily, and then i go and wake her up cos i need help, she helps me. but my best friend who is in perth and its only 12 and he is awake anyway, tells me to get over it *sigh*. maybe i expect too much. maybe i think too much. some people tell me i am mixing with the wrong people, i am getting too close to the wrong people and i should know they will never help me like i would help them. i think thats a lie. i dont think thats true because i know he knows me...i dont even know why i have written half this because i dont even doubt him...just im a little lost.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

this isnt going to be long entry. for some reason, i dont feel like...talking...or doing...anything really. just sitting. and watching this film. im not even listening to it. my bro isnt talking...i wonder if somethings up or im just paranoid. i think the latter. im very tired. i think i should sleep soon. i had fun today. was kool. lately, in the past four months, ive been appreciating my friends for different reasons. wanting to spend time with them, just to do that. spend time. not to necessarily talk, do anything at all. but as long as i am with my friends, i find i am content. i think i was like this even in darwin actually. then it disappeared when i started mixing with the first mob of perth people who i knew when i left in grade 3. they never really were...the right sort of friends for me. didnt really fit in. so i lost my wanting to hang with friends, and since i met my new uni friends, its come back. i have only one person to thank for that and they know who they are. u know, i can still remember that day. it keeps popping up in my head when i sit down to think, and now i think i know why. its the day that changed my life.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

come home from the city a while ago and just been uploading stuff onto this webby. chatting on msn and stuff. i had a great day today :). went to see iRobot with my friends, missed the dang bus with pete hehe. right now i feel like remeniscing. i was on the phone to my good friend saba before and talking to her has brought back a lot of memories. right now the song that just played that always seems to play reminded me of my best friend. now this song thats playing is chinese, i can't even understand, but for some reason its making me think so much. making me think of the past, the present. i wonder to myself how ive changed over time. since moving to darwin i changed from the little boy i was in perth to a teenager. i learnt my swear words in darwin, but i also gathered life experiences. i learnt about hurt and pain and happiness and laughter. i learnt about friendship and the importance of friends in my life. now ive moved back to perth, a very different person. and i wonder if thats for the better or not. i think it is. so many things have changed in me since i have been at university and i look back on it, the things ive done and the people ive met. the friends ive made, my best friend peter lam, have all changed me, people that are closest to me have made me think so much about myself and slowly become the person i think i was meant to be. i wonder if this was meant to be, or if this is what they call growing up. ive come from thinking i knew myself, thinking i knew all there was needing to be known for someone my age, and those around me enlightening me to differences. especially my best friend. perhaps, i think to myself, that no matter how much life experience i have, how much advice i have to give to others, i will never stop learning, even from those who learn from me.

a strange change of mind has set in since my previous entry. for some reason i can't stop smiling while i chat to my bro on msn this evening and listening to my music i couldn't be happier with my life. i somehow know that everything is cool, everything is alright. this music im listening to 'under the sea' from the little mermaid. sebastien the crab lol he's so funny. i wonder why my mind changes so much. i wonder why i keep feeling all these different things, not knowing my future, then suddenly knowing its a wonderful world (song just changed to that). but it really is. partly because i think i knew that all along. partly because my bro said it is. i think i should stop worrying so much and perhaps listen to pete more...he seems to know me better than i do these days hehe. im going out with my friends later today. right now i am chatting to renato about websites and i realise to myself a lot of my friends have started making website, ever since pete and i decided to create pac. its a bit...interesting lol. first was lee, now aline and i wonder who else will follow. wow pete we are trendsetters :). time for bed i think. i started this post on tuesday and i have come back and finished it and its 2.54am on wednesday. goodnight.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

"icy heaven" by .wilkie on Flickr

shot from new zealand, very very nice

Monday, July 26, 2004

today i went to curtin to sort some stuff out. i drove into the city with my friends. u kno i am actually a bit peeved. back seat drivers always going on when i know how to drive a frikken car. caroline belching at me from the left about slowing down when im doing the speed limit. pete bleating to me from the back about wide corners and driving properly. bro when u DONT fail ur tests and actually have ur license THEN u can tell me how to drive, or u can drive. apart from that i wish everyone in the car would shuttup. i havent gone and had driving lessons and courses and gotten my license for other people to tell me i dont know how to drive *sigh*.

im sitting here in my room, not knowing what to write. im wishing i were out with my friends but i don't think that will happen today...this music im listening to is starting to make me think too much, about my past, and my future. where will i end up? will the people i love right now still be with me till the end? i cant ever imagine them not being there, but the fact they might not be scares me. i cant help but think to the negative. that i may end up alone, without my best friend and without my other friends.


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