Wednesday, September 14, 2005

i feel kinda depressed right now and i dont really know why. today was exactly 18 months since i met my best friend...and i was joking with him about how it was our "anniversary"...i got a laugh anyway hehe...but right now i just dont feel like talking to him or seeing him or anybody...i just wanna shut my eyes and never wake up. i guess im tired...but my life isnt the easiest right now. not even those who read this blog, and i feel sorry for those who do, but not even you know everything that is tormenting me and i cant seem to find anybody to lean on. i heard the song "fall to pieces" by avril lavigne on the way home from work today...and it made me feel to empty and its not cos of that im like this now...its a whole mix of things which i dont even know where to start explaining with.

i feel kinda down, cos i want to be with someone i cant be...but its not that i want to be with that person in that way...its just that i dont want anyone else. i want only them cos they make me laugh and cry and make me feel so happy and feel so sad. maybe for you the person u be with shouldnt make u cry or sad, but i guess i want someone who can make me feel everything i could ever feel. i feel so happy i shout from the mountain tops about this person cos they make me so happy, they make me so...undeniably happy and complete. i dont need anybody else, and i guess im fearing that somebody else would just never be able to make me as happy as this person does.

i guess i also feel kinda down cos im tired and i am weighed down with so many problems going on right now. just family stuff and other people's problems that i take on board to share with them so their burden is lighter...i feel bad complaining...but i wish i had someone i could just give myself up to. there are so many things that nobody really knows about me. so much i keep to myself cos im afraid of what people will think of the real me. i have to always keep reminding myself that nobody really want to know me. they are friends with me because they pity me and i guess, that because when they met me, there was something they saw which they wish they hadnt seen. i havent cried in such a long time an dright now it doesnt really feel like the right time to do it either. but i need to drain myself of this unhappiness.

about was a good day. i woke up and realised it had been exactly 18 months since i had met peter...and u know, thats the first thing that came to my mind upon waking. i never thought i would be one to be sentimental or one to actually remember these things because nobody else seems to. *sigh*...i dont wanna talk about this anymore. i just wanted to say that i was surprised...but i guess i shouldnt be...he is my best friend after all.

have u ever felt like u've loved someone, or cared a lot about them...but u would never be able to ever show them how much u cared. u just want to hold them forever and never let them go, kiss them all over their face and tell them over and over how much u love them, but that would never in the end be able to suffice for showing them u care so much. i just feel that this person, and they will stay nameless for now, but i could never care about them enough and i want to show them that. i want to hug them non stop cos they make me so happy, i want to make them so happy that they always smile, because that in turn makes my heart shine. i want to do everything and anything i can to help them through their tough times, and their dilemmas, and i never want to see them shed a tear from unhappiness. if i could, i would want to pick them up and rock them like a baby in my arms, and watch them sleep when they look so innocent. i want to lay beside them and look over into their face and be sure of myself, that i am doing everything i can for them. i dont think i could ever do that tho, do enough for them i mean.

sometimes, i just dont know if what im doing is right, or if i should be doing something else. i am forever having to tell others what to do when they ask, but whenever i ask for advice, im hard pressed to find it. its always ambiguous, or not even on topic, and i cant seem to be able to find a way to calm myself. lately i have been so worked up, but my uni friends havent been seeing it because i hide it from them. sometimes i can be torn up so much inside because i cant figure out what to do, or whether i should even be doing whatever it is at that moment that i am doing. i have to find solice and deluding myself that im doing the right thing, that forever im going to be with my best friend and we are always going to be happy.

i dont know if what i expect of people is right, i donjt know if i should be expecting other things, or if im being a good friend. i have always tried to make my friends happy, tried to make them smile...but i guess lately, nobody has been smiling. i dont think im a very good friend, i guess thats why peter is acting the way he is, the way my other friends have lost the interest in caring about me anymore.

i have lost sleep because i havent been able to let myself stop thinking. all i do is think and recap and recap again what has happened in my day, what has affected me and what i should do about it. i have been sleeping at 3 and 4 am and waking around 7 or 8. work tires me even though its not much in general, it just eats away at me. so many things eat away at me, at my psychi, at my happiness, at my heart.

i wish, just for one night, i could get a good nights sleep, be able to curl up with this person i love most and sleep so soundly, the next day, my worries are gone with the passing night.


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