Thursday, September 29, 2005

ive been sitting here for an hour...i vomited tonight cos i was depressed...ive felt very weird these past few days....and for some reason i have also had this strange yearning to show my best friend more affection than usual.

i can't explain these happenings, but they all make mee feel very sad and they all in some way hurt my heart. tonight i came home from work and i felt just so strange. i had been feeling strange these past few days anyway, but tonight, i felt like, i dont know how to explain. you know how when you in highschool, and you think you really like this person, but your too shy to ask them out or something, but you really have strong feelings for them (even if they are shallow in reality)...well i felt that. not a sick, but a depression where i felt for some reason and presumably for some unknown person, a strong feeling of "love" or let's say affection...but i dont know why. i ended up vomiting cos it was so strong. i just dont know why.

these past few days have also been weird, i have felt that i needed to show my best friend more affection than usual, and i dont understand this either. i dont know whether i thought i was going to lose him or something was going to come between us or whether i have just been really happy with my life (u will understand that last bit if u really know me)...but whatever it is, i dont know what.

everything i seem to do is wrong unhappy with myself, unhappy with my self image, but too slack to do anything about it, im unhappy with some of my life choices...and most of all im now really unhappy with the one thing that is supposed to mean everything to me, my best friend. not unhappy as in im angry, but i thought i knew him better, some of the things he says to me sometimes really make me sit back and think about whether i do actually know him, and whether or not i have made a mistake letting myself get into a relationship (for those immature people out there, a friendship is a type of relationship -_-) that perhaps is too deep with someone who is perhaps too shallow.

i guess time will tell if i have made a mistake, and right now, im thinking that perhaps i have. but whats new...every other relationship i have been in has in some way been a mistake and in some way hurt me. i guess i must just attract these types of people *sigh*


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