Sunday, September 25, 2005

what are friends?

what is the definition we can give to these people, who we give higher precendence to over others?...are they special? yes. are they important? yes of course. but are they more important than others? some say yes. i say yes too. but what about when you see a person hurt on the road. is it not important to help them too?...are they not important?...i say yes to that. others tell me its a different kind of important. i disagree.

one really needs to consider whats important to them, and figure out whats going on in life to be able to really say whats important or not. a woman who needs help is just as important a thing as caring for your friends. isnt that right? a person in need is always going to be more important than someone who is not, no matter their relationship to you. no matter what...what you do about it is another issue.

just consider this hypothetical: you are going to the movies with one of your friends from school on sunday, but you made that arrangement two weeks ago. uve been stressed lately and things are slipping your mind. your gf/bf comes up to you a few days before and asks if you want to go to lunch with her/him. you have forgotten about your other friends thing cos uve been so busy and you tell your gf/bf that you will go with them. now, is it important to go with your gf/bf because they have a somewhat higher precendence over ur friend just because of their relationship with you, or is it more important to go with your friend because they are important to you as well, and you did make an arrangement with them prior to your gf/bf's one? if you choose your gf/bf, what is that saying to the rest of your friends? that they mean nothing? that they will always come second in the general scheme of things? or does it mean that sometimes you need to gauge as to who to spend your time with, because if you've been spending the last week everyday with your friend and not your gf/bf, then a bit of time with her/him isnt such a bad thing.

but hang on, you did make that arranagement with your friend two weeks ago. if you choose your friend, what does that say to your gf/bf? that they dont have some pseudo-precedence over others? that they arent important enough to see you when they wish, because you have this pseudo-love and pseudo-care for them? consider if you had been seeing your gf/bf everyday for the last week, your friend does deserve sometime with you, correct? but what if you had been spending your time for the past week with your friend, and going to the movies on sunday will make it the 7th day you have hung out with them and not seen your gf/bf. isnt that alright? if its been 7 days since you have seen your gf/bf, then what does that say about your relationship? but then again, if its been 7 days since you have seen your friend, you should really keep the sunday movies hang-out time, shouldnt you?

now aside from all that, consider these questions. why do people find the need to take their gfs/bfs with them to hang out with their friends? i dont think so. isnt a bit of time apart from them and with your friend instead alright? is it fair to take your gf/bf along with you to hang out with your friend, when your friend wanted to talk to you about some stuff and they need advice and didnt particularly want your gf/bf to know? and is it fair for you to take your gf/bf and say that its ok to talk about your friend's stuff in front of her, (thus implying you have no intention of sending ur gf/bf away while your friend talks to you, even though you shouldnt have to send ur gf/bf away because they shoudlnt be there in the first place) but when it comes to you and your gf/bf talking, you wont let your friend hear? i totally disagree. in this sense, your gf/bf is more important. but then again, this is the same type of person who would go out with their gf/bf on sunday when they had a prior engagement with their friend from two weeks ago.

now add in this factor: you have met this gf/bf of yours a couple of days before sunday, and they ask you out on sunday. do you ask your friend to cancel because of this new "love"? is that really fair? is this a example of the true importance of people? imagine also that you met this girl at a party you went to. you dont know her, you dont even know her middle name, but you want to cancel an engagement from two weeks ago with your friend who you havent seen for a while, to be with this other, theoretically lesser (relationship-wise) person. how can we say that this is real love, or real friendship when this occurs? how can we realistically say that we value our friendship with our friends, when we are prepared to cancel on their time with us on sunday?

now, the latter part of this analysis has been biased towards the idea you have cancelled on your friend. lets consider you havent, and you have instead told your new-found pseudo-love that you already have a movie outing with your friend. what does this tell to your gf/bf. that you arent going to treat them like they are somewhat more special than your other friends? if they think like this, then generally, they must be a bit shallow, right? but isnt it generally the common thought that your gf/bf would have some more importance to you than their other friends? but then again, just because the thought is widespread, does it mean its correct?

consider your with your friend or your gf/bf now, and you are driving along a suburban road, and you come across a woman and child who are in need. do you stop and help the woman and child, or keep driving or you will be late for the movie/lunch booking and thus the whole date will be ruined. morally, you should stop, yes? but that would take someone pretty selfless to stop and forego their fun engagement. too many people have the mindset that someone else will come along who isnt so busy, and help the woman and child. consider you are actually a nice person, and stop to help. that action in itself basically says that the woman and child are more important than your friend or gf/bf. now consider your relationship with this person. you have seen them 5 seconds ago when you saw their car on the side of the road with a flat tyre, and you met them 2 seconds later when you got out and started talking to them. a total stranger, and you have put them above everything else. what has this shown us so far? your friend is more important because you had the outing arrangement with them first, even tho ur gf/bf is "supposedly" more important, and this stranger is more important than your friend, someone you dont even know. consider the following model:

you        gf/bf        friend        stranger
-----------------------------------------------------> importance level
1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10

1 is supposed to be the most important, 13 being the least. this is a life model, showing where people sit in relation to you and the level of importance. but this whole example has shown you to put your friend above your gf/bf, which is the right thing to do because you did have a prior arrangement, and in turn put a stranger above your gf/bf AND friend. whats with this? is something wrong with this model?...most of you will argue with me that this is a once off, or that you rememeber EVERYTHING and you would never get into this mess, or that you are a nice person who always stops and your gf/bf is always nice and doesnt think they are more important and all this other shit which are just excuses. you know, or rather, your probably too deluded to see it but when you break up with you gf/bf you will see it, that having a relational importance level associated with people isnt the right thing to do. im not saying to not have a gf/bf, or to not care more for them than you would anyone else. do what you like, im simply pointing out in a rather long and explained way, how you can be so wrong in saying that your gf/bf is the most important person to you, when you would stop for a woman and child in need (granted its not everyday, but you cannot deny the fact it IS more important) and that your gf/bf is more important to you and you would do anything for them, when you wont break off an arrangement with your friend to spend time with them. now that last part of the sentence is something i totally disagree with, but its there to make you see that what you say is really quite shallow when you tell your gf/bf you love them, yet you wont do the everything you say you will do for them.

it might be a petty thing to you, but consider this now. i have yet to meet someone who has met a girl or a guy, and had a genuine love for them. had a genuine yearning to do the RIGHT thing, not the right thing by them i mean the morally correct thing. i have a friend right now who takes his gf everywhere and is really quite a shallow person, but if you try telling him that, then he will switch into deluded mode and tell you her i mature and knows what the right thing is. i have another friend who doesnt have a gf, but he has a problem with stopping the car when he drives towards someone who is so evidently in need to help. its just because he follows the life model mentioned before and doesnt consider things mainly from an ethical level. and i have another friend, who doesnt find the importance of spending time with any of her friends, she calls them friends, but doesnt make the time to see them, or to do 'friend' things. its not a rule that you must do things with your friends just to call them friends, but it is a general thing that you cant call a friend a 'friend' really, if you never call them, if you never spend time with them, and when u are sposed to hang out with them, you bring your gf/bf along, or cancel on for your gf/bf instead.

why are these people my friends?...well, in hindsight, they shouldnt be. but i care about them because ino in their heart, they are a friend. they have just been affected by their girlfriends or boyfriends and somehow their friendship to me, has changed. it shouldnt change one bit, but it has for some unknown reason, and ino their relationships arent going to last, so ino it will go back to normal, whenever that will be. the second friend i mentioned, the one without a gf, well he is my friend because i just think he is a little immature and he will grow out of it.

i accept this post has been a bit bias towards thinking people are generally shallow and dont care, but i know my friends well, extremely well in most circumstances, and i can vouch for the fact that most of my friends are exactly as i have been biased towards in this post. its a fact of nature people tend to help their own first. but as ive shown, this can also be flipped, which is unexplainable. it SHOULD be that the woman and child comes first, but most wouldnt stop. it should be that a friend with a prior engagement gets to spend time with you, but ino those with gfs or bfs will put them first, above their friends. its a simple thing to consider, and a simple thing to accept. what is not simple, is the fact that so many people are so selfish, so inconsiderate and generally so shallow. bastardized has the world become, and so too has the people in it, bastardized in their way of thinking, taking a homogenous view to things. our news is filled horror and terror, and this is because people put importance in the wrong place. if only they could see it, everything would get better. im not saying people are getting murdered or countries are being bombed because they think their gf/bf is more important than their friend, im saying because people put importance on the wrong things.

anyway, this has been a somewhat interesting but tangential approach to an initial thought i had. im sorry if you disagree, but thats ok. everyone is allowed their own view.


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