Wednesday, December 14, 2005

well...theres no reason to go on now. i have yet again failed 2 units at uni after trying my hardest. my gf dumps me because i couldnt make it to her house 2 nights in a row. i guess it is my fault, but im not saying it isnt for the best. one thing that does pain me deeply is that i have lost a great friend of mine. i want to express my pain at having to part with my best friend. things between us have been crumbling for some time now. i have been unable to trust him, unable to be open with him. i guess people just change. i have been sitting here for an hour, wondering if the decision i made was right. if i had made the best decision. and to tell the truth, for once in my life, i really dont know. i love and care about peter a lot, he is my best friend after all. but when it is time to draw boundaries as to when to stop caring for another person if they do not share the same care and/or affection? its not that he doesnt think he is showing it, its that he isnt, but still thinks he is. the decency, the reliability, the shoulder i need to lean on isnt there anymore. i guess i shouldnt blame him, i mean, i am rude, arrogant, stuck up, expectant. my friends say that that isnt true of me, but i think deep down they are just too kind to say it as it is.

i dont get things in life. i dont get how i can be so fucked up sometimes, and ok other times. normally, i would just shut myself in my shell, not let anybody get to me, and keep continuing to exist. but this is so different. i have been crying for hours, trying to get things out of my system. my heart tells me i have made the wrong decision, but my head tells me i have done the right thing. why should i give a stuff about someone who doesnt appreciate me, doesnt even give me a call once in a while without having to be asked to. but then again, how can i even think of giving up a friendship with someone i care so much about. i wonder to myself why i stick around if he doesnt call, doesnt care enough to find out how im going, doesnt want to do anything, doesnt seem to care if i see them tomorrow or in 5 weeks. i cant seem to live a day without wondering how pete's going, what he's thinking, what his day has entailed. maybe im stupid and weird? i think i just care about my brother. i get stuck between thinking i should give up on him and move on because he is so selfish and immature, but drawn in because he is my little brother and it's my duty to always be there for him as i have promised.

i have spoken to some of my friends, and they wonder why i am still hanging around. but they only know me as what i used to be when i left darwin, someone cold and callous, able to switch off my emotions if necessary. but since coming here, i guess i changed, i guess i lost the ability to switch things off cos they matter ot me more. to tell the truth, i dont want to lose him as a best friend. i think aside from all the crap, there is nobody that i get along with better. when we fight, we still stick together. when we are happy, of course we are together. my friend was asking me how my holidays were going and how was peter...and i explained to him how i had broken away from it. and he could understand why. he couldnt understand why i had broken up a friendship that was so close. but people dont always know whats going on underneath, dont see the pain and suffering that silently goes on while people keep up their facade.

i still am undecided about what to do. i have been trying to work at fixing the little things over the past 12 months. but nothing has really changed. i try and talk and figure things out, but i never seem to get to have time to talk about it, something else always comes up between him and me. should i waste my time trying anymore, or am i stupid to even be in this predicament in the first place? someone told me to weigh up the good against the bad, and i did that. but then i still couldnt convince myself that it was any reason to break up a friendship, some words on paper. i want things to change, but i dont know how to make it happen. i dont know how to be happy, and him be happy too. its either him happy, or nothing in his books. take this situation: we were deciding on what movie to watch. i said to him that he should pick. he picked a crap movie in my view and i said pick another. so he told me to pick. thats the way it works for him. thats fine by me. but when it comes to sorting something out, i say to him that we have to work something out. so he tells me to work it out, at which point i ask him if he will try at what i decide, and he says yes. but if i pick something that doesnt suit him, he doesnt try, and he doesnt want to try and sort it out. i just dont know what to do anymore. i dont know why i am the one who has to take on the responsibility all the time, and then when i try and figure things out, he doesnt want to know about it if it isnt his cup of tea. i just dont know what to do anymore. someone please help me.

if i had what would be best, i would still have a best friend, and we would be happy all the time. there was once a time when that was the case,but alas, that is long behind us now. and i dont know why. we always said best friends forever and that nothing would ever come between us...i never thought that the day would come where it would be so hard for me to like him.


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