michiko, i feel so sorry for you, i want to help you so much, but i just dont know what to do. in ur mind, u have been surrounded by such perverse realities that it makes me unhappy and angry that u consider it normal, when i live such a good life, totally unlike yours. i hope that cheun can show you the right way to live so you don't need to keep doing what you are doing, and i hope he can provide a good life for you, because i think you deserve it a lot. i hope you do fulfill your dream of being like your idol, but i also hope u are not treated badly anymore, and that u are consdered as a person, instead of a commodity. please follow your heart wherever you go, but remember your worth is the same as everyone else's around you, so please don't feel smaller or any less of a person. good luck.