Sunday, July 09, 2006

i dont know why im writing this here for you to read, yes its gonna be me pouring my heart out so if you dont wanna read it, then fuck off.

i dont wanna be here anymore. so many different things contribute to my life, my family, my best friend, my friends and myself. my family is disrupted beyond belief and i cant do anything about it, but i dont know if i want to. lately, a lot i have just felt like ive been drowning, drowning in the fact that i cant do anything, but also questioning if i want to do anything about it, and if i even care. should i care?...idno. i just want everybody around me to fuck off. my best friend is flipping between being good and shit and we fight and its just gotten to be a farce i dont want to have to deal with. my friends, well depends which ones ur talking about. the ones from darwin are ok i guess. i dont see them as often as i'd like, but i do keep in contact, which is good. apart from that, its just becoming a bit mundane with them. dont ask me why.

my other friends here just exist in my mind right now. idno what to say about them, they are there, but i have very little interaction with them, and that pisses me off on so many levels. why should i have to be the one who keeps up the friendship if im only a convenience to them. also, it pisses me off they keep up this fake facade which is there to maintain the convenience of "friendship".

myself i just dont know what to do with. i want to just leave and not do anything. sleep forever and never wake up to whats going on around me. im sick of my family, im sick of peter, im sick of my friends here, and im sick of living this fucked up life. i am sick of sorting out problems which only arrive the following week again. im sick of having to deal with this falsety in peter that just wont go away. i want to tell him to fuck the hell off cos he is not a very good friend. but for some reason, i give him the benefit of the doubt and i put myself aside for him. its not worth it. ino its not worth it. so why do i continue with it?...i have given up my principles for a worthless cause.

today while driving, i wonder why i didnt slam yet another car into the side of the freeway, in the hope of getting to my eternal bed. im tired. my heart is tired. i want to be appreciated. i want to get rid of this burden. but it doesnt seem to leave.

i want someone to come and whisk me away so i can live on my cloud 9 like i used to in highschool. why cant i go back to living at 62 east point road, with my fancy cars, my huge house and my wealthy bickering parents. why have i changed myself when i didnt need to?...fuck all these poor bastards around me, they arent my standard and i dont want them in my life. but thats the wrong thing to do christopher. you should be compassionate, and accept people for who they are, for richer or for poorer. nah i'll be right thanks. ive never had trouble making friends in my own class where i didnt need to worry about these immaterial things called feelings. i had my bubble. my bubble of happiness through no pain. people here just dont get me. i dont get you christopher, and i am you.

why would you want to devote yourself to someone who doesnt fucking care? but he does care. no he doesnt, if he did, he wouldnt act like such a dick. he is growing up too tho, u have to remember he has things to think about too. oh yeh, are those the things he is meant to discuss with me, cos thats what friends do? fuck off. i fight with myself cos i cant just put my foot down and leave. ive turned into a weak gutless girl. i hate myself, i hate what i am and i hate who i have become. whats more annoying is that peopel around me try to tell me im normal, and im all these things i am not. i know what i freakin am. why cant i just meet people who arent annoying?...why cant i live the perfect life i see in the movies?...cos u know thats fake christopher. oh screw you, what the hell would you know?...i know what you know dude. yeh ur a fucking nutjob, just like the rest of the people i know. really? not the one having a conversation with myself.


  July 2004     August 2004     November 2004     December 2004     April 2005     May 2005     June 2005     July 2005     August 2005     September 2005     October 2005     November 2005     December 2005     January 2006     February 2006     March 2006     April 2006     May 2006     June 2006     July 2006     August 2006     September 2006     October 2006     November 2006     December 2006     January 2007     February 2007     March 2007     April 2007     May 2007