i dont wanna be here anymore. so many different things contribute to my life, my family, my best friend, my friends and myself. my family is disrupted beyond belief and i cant do anything about it, but i dont know if i want to. lately, a lot i have just felt like ive been drowning, drowning in the fact that i cant do anything, but also questioning if i want to do anything about it, and if i even care. should i care?...idno. i just want everybody around me to fuck off. my best friend is flipping between being good and shit and we fight and its just gotten to be a farce i dont want to have to deal with. my friends, well depends which ones ur talking about. the ones from darwin are ok i guess. i dont see them as often as i'd like, but i do keep in contact, which is good. apart from that, its just becoming a bit mundane with them. dont ask me why.
my other friends here just exist in my mind right now. idno what to say about them, they are there, but i have very little interaction with them, and that pisses me off on so many levels. why should i have to be the one who keeps up the friendship if im only a convenience to them. also, it pisses me off they keep up this fake facade which is there to maintain the convenience of "friendship".
myself i just dont know what to do with. i want to just leave and not do anything. sleep forever and never wake up to whats going on around me. im sick of my family, im sick of peter, im sick of my friends here, and im sick of living this fucked up life. i am sick of sorting out problems which only arrive the following week again. im sick of having to deal with this falsety in peter that just wont go away. i want to tell him to fuck the hell off cos he is not a very good friend. but for some reason, i give him the benefit of the doubt and i put myself aside for him. its not worth it. ino its not worth it. so why do i continue with it?...i have given up my principles for a worthless cause.
today while driving, i wonder why i didnt slam yet another car into the side of the freeway, in the hope of getting to my eternal bed. im tired. my heart is tired. i want to be appreciated. i want to get rid of this burden. but it doesnt seem to leave.
i want someone to come and whisk me away so i can live on my cloud 9 like i used to in highschool. why cant i go back to living at 62 east point road, with my fancy cars, my huge house and my wealthy bickering parents. why have i changed myself when i didnt need to?...fuck all these poor bastards around me, they arent my standard and i dont want them in my life. but thats the wrong thing to do christopher. you should be compassionate, and accept people for who they are, for richer or for poorer. nah i'll be right thanks. ive never had trouble making friends in my own class where i didnt need to worry about these immaterial things called feelings. i had my bubble. my bubble of happiness through no pain. people here just dont get me. i dont get you christopher, and i am you.
why would you want to devote yourself to someone who doesnt fucking care? but he does care. no he doesnt, if he did, he wouldnt act like such a dick. he is growing up too tho, u have to remember he has things to think about too. oh yeh, are those the things he is meant to discuss with me, cos thats what friends do? fuck off. i fight with myself cos i cant just put my foot down and leave. ive turned into a weak gutless girl. i hate myself, i hate what i am and i hate who i have become. whats more annoying is that peopel around me try to tell me im normal, and im all these things i am not. i know what i freakin am. why cant i just meet people who arent annoying?...why cant i live the perfect life i see in the movies?...cos u know thats fake christopher. oh screw you, what the hell would you know?...i know what you know dude. yeh ur a fucking nutjob, just like the rest of the people i know. really?...im not the one having a conversation with myself.
July 2004 August 2004 November 2004 December 2004 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007