Thursday, August 10, 2006

fucking hell...so much crap, so much to think about and deal with. things are moving so quickly, and i dont know if thats a good thing or not. should i hold back or just take the plunge? where the fuck am i sposed to fit pete into all this?...he isnt willing to realise his delusion, and he isnt willing to make my life any easier either. why do i stay?...i dont fucking know.

i have 5...one of which i think i want more with. but why cant i make up my fucking mind??? i have been in this pseudo relationship with someone for so long, its hard to replace it with an actual real life deal. seems so, confronting, and a lil scary. i dont want to be rejected, and i dont want to fail. so many bad memories. i couldnt keep on living if i let myself get that screwed up anymore.

*bangs head* i am so weak. i keep wanting to run back to darwin. back to my former life. back to a reality i can actually exist in. but its not just me! i have found out quite a few of my old pals want to go back to highschool and live out our days there. ahh wouldnt that be perfect!

fuck this. i got the counsellor tomorrow. yes im that screwed up. but i go and all i do is whinge. i really gotta stop being such a jerk. i should just live my own life. stay off msn, dont talk much. just, exist as the empty vessel i used to be.

fucking trees, always blowing in the wind.


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